INT: The Iowa Football Offices, a week ago...
knockity-dockity-dock!
/sighs
Yes, Ken?
We need to talk, Kirk.
I already told you, we can't make an offensive entire formation out of end around plays.
No, no, not that.
(whispers) Although I still think you're wrong...
Something else.
So what then?
/hands Ferentz a piece of paper
I'm handing in my letter of resignation.
What?
I'm feeling a calling, Kirk.
Oh god. This isn't going to be like that time you wanted to be an astronaut, is it?
Man's destiny is in the stars, Kirk!
Or like the time you wanted to be a rodeo clown?
I would have been great at it!
Or that time you wanted to dig a hole to the center of the earth to find the lost world?
It would have been historic!
Or that time you wanted to quit during Insight Bowl practice and look for El Dorado?
We were so close! I just know it!
/sigh
I make four million dollars a year, Ken. If you really want a solid gold toilet, I'll buy one for you.
/raises eyebrow hopefully
Whatever. So what is it this time, Ken?
I need to go to Miami, Kirk.
What?
I need to help the dolphins.
via www.iowalum.com
While digging into the archives on ye olde interwebs for a forthcoming post, I came upon this gem:
Iowa rooters enjoyed a new diversion at football games in the shape of a four-month-old bear cub named Burch. Taken from the Idaho hills and housed under the newly erected cement bleachers at Iowa Field, Burch took his place near the Iowa bench during all home games in 1908 and 1909. Known as "one of the boys," the bear would occasionally dance for the crowd.
He also traveled with the team, as this story from the November 1908 edition of The Iowa Alumnus indicates: "Iowa’s cub bear, ‘Burch,’ is a feature of every trip the football team takes. While on the way to Missouri, one of the players was exercising the mascot on a depot platform when a passer-by poked the animal in the back with a stick. ‘Burch’ whirled and wrapped his paws around the man’s legs. The fellow thought his time had come and called for help so loudly that the city marshal rushed to the scene and threatened to arrest the entire team unless the mascot was muzzled. The boys, however, finally persuaded the officer that such a course was unnecessary."
Cared for by Jimmie Barry, the much-loved guardian of Iowa Field, Burch met an untimely death by drowning in the Iowa River in March 1910.
That's right: a real live bear. On the sidelines. Who danced. And attacked jerks who poked him with a stick (which seems justified, frankly). Of course, this story raises even more questions: why bring a bear from Idaho? How did he drown in the Iowa River? Was this "Jimmie Barry" secretly an Iowa State fan? Oh, and: WHY HAVE A BEAR IN THE FIRST PLACE WHEN YOU ARE THE IOWA HAWKEYES? I mean, other than the fact that bears are awesome.
Although Burch wasn't much of a good luck charm: Iowa went 4-9-1 during those two years.
Oh, and speaking of that aforementioned Missouri game?
Iowa met Missouri at Columbia and, according to a report in the Hawkeye, "beneath a broiling sun one of the greatest battles in the history of football was fought. The game was decided by a ‘fluke’ touchdown, but Iowa was clearly superior. Kirk [the quarterback] managed to stay in the game for the first half although he had an iron brace upon his knee and could hardly use his leg."
With a record of 2-5-0 at the end of the season, the Hawkeye noted that "the loss of the games are due to the injuries." (emphasis mine)
Newspaper writing -- and football -- used to be so much more awesome.
It began, as many ideas (good and bad) on this site have begun, with a late-night Google chat session:
$10 and 24 hours later, we had this bit of interwebs magic.
So now everyone who researches Guy Rucker's short but sweet NBA career will get an bonus burst of BHGP. We expect this to drive roughly... tens of new pageviews to the site. INTERWEBZ DOMINANCE: WE HAZ IT.
(And for the record, I totally would have gone for Chris Kingsbury, since he really is the patron saint of BHGP in so many ways, but alas -- he didn't have an NBA career at all. Probably because the NBA is FULL OF HATERS.)
Thank you for joining me here, Brandon
ya sure coach
Aren't you wondering why we're here?
naw man this is fun
You're having fun?
i like airboats
Well, we're here because I tho--
and turtles
I beg your pardon?
i like turtles
...
...
OK then. We're here because I'm your new coach, and I feel like your previous training was lacking a certain component.
The receivers on this team lack mental toughness.
you mean like science?
What?
science hurts my brain
I don't think I follow--
are we gonna cut up a turtle? because i don't want to cut up a turtle. i like...
like turtles. Yes, yes, I know. No, Brandon, we are not dissecting a turtle.
Look over there.
/points behind Brandon Marshall
GROWL
Wrestle that crocodile, Brandon.
IOWA CITY (AP)
Due to what coaches are calling a "communications snafu", Iowa's football team hired a hot drink vending machine as their new quarterback coach yesterday. The machine, a National brand coffee/hot cocoa dispenser model number 633, will take over the position previously held by departing offensive coordinator Ken O'Keefe.
Head coach Kirk Ferentz described how the machine got the job:
"I'll be honest with you: I knew months ago that I wanted to keep a lot of the same guys on my staff, it was just a matter of who would do what. So I got out my sharpie, labeled some darts with "tight ends coach", "linebacker coach" and the like, then gathered the assistants in the lounge. I told them to close their eyes and then turned around and started chucking darts over my head. I guess one of the darts went a bit astray. Must not have heard it over all the caterwauling and 'Jesus Christ, was that a dart!?' and so on."
The matter would have been resolved quickly, but a miscommunication between Ferentz and his assistant resulted in the machine being hired at a salary of $225,000 per year.
"I had to take a call, so I told my feather-brained, near-sighted secretary, Miss [Yvette] Bumblepot, to track down all the darts and assign the proper jobs to the people that I had struck. She dutifully found all the darts, including the one in the machine, and made up the contracts."
When asked if he could rescind the offer and find a more suitable, human candidate for the job, Ferentz said it was impossible. "Those were legally binding darts."
Reese Morgan (center) and the future of Iowa defense
IOWA CITY (AP) - In a move that surprised players and fans alike, veteran Iowa offensive line coach Reese Morgan has decided to switch his allegiance to the defensive line.
The move came Tuesday in the Iowa football team's weight room as Morgan helped the defensive line win a weightlifting challenge in a spectacle which has quickly earned the moniker "Bash at the Bench."
The seeds for both the event and Morgan's switch were planted the day after signing day when recent Hawkeye signee Jaleel Johnson showed up unannounced in the middle of a weight lifting session.
"You people... you know who I am, but you don't know why I'm here," Johnson said. "You wanna [sic] go to war? You want a war? You're gonna get one."
Johnson left immediately after his speech, but returned a day later. This time with fellow signee Faith Ekakitie, who proceeded to lambaste the Iowa offensive line.
Rightly frustrated with the mouthy newcomers, Iowa senior-to-be James Ferentz proposed a battle between the new signees for Tuesday - a bench press competition, most reps of 225 earns bragging rights.
That was fine with Johnson and Ekakitie, who told Ferentz to find two other people and have it be a three-on-three encounter.
Rumors ran rampant during the weekend about who the defensive line's third member would be. Lavar Woods was the prevailing choice, but Johnson raised an uproar with a Facebook post citing New York Giants linebacker coach Jim Hermann.
Ekakitie, for his part, remained mum, only promising that it would be a surprise.
IOWA CITY (AP)
In a shocking revelation today, Iowa men's basketball coach has admitted using a straw-based "center facsimile" in Wednesday's victory over the Minnesota Golden Gophers. McCaffery acknowledged his use of the ploy after eagle-eyed viewers noticed the incongruous site of a tall and intimidating Iowa defender standing firmly in front of the basket.
"What can I say? You got me," said McCaffery. "But you need to understand: we were at our wit's end trying to come up with something that would work on defense."
In recent games the Iowa defense has returned to the bad defensive habits that marked some of their early season performances. Lowly Nebraska scored 48 points on the Hawkeyes in the second half of their victory at Carver-Hawkeye Arena, and #17 Indiana scored 103 points via 28 dunks or layups. McCaffery called his ploy a "last resort".
"We had tried everything: not guarding players, having our defenders switch which players they were not guarding, using a zone defense so that every defender was not guarding a certain area of the court -- you name it, we had tried it, and nothing had worked. So the only thing left was to stuff a jersey full of straw, slap on some rec specs and a headband and hope the other team didn't look at it too closely."
The figure, nicknamed "Hayseed Earl" by the coaches, measures out at an imposing 8'6" and has a wingspan of 9'8". Big Ten Network cameras noted the figure occupying a prominent place near the basket, as well as several Minnesota players seeming to sense the dummy's presence and then giving it a wide berth.
According to McCaffery, the original plan was to use the straw-pivot in addition to the normal starting five, but that proved impractical. "We knew that several of the Gopher players were extremely near-sighted, but it turned out they were still able to distinguish whether there were five or six players on the court. So we played the thing instead of a traditional center." McCaffery described the move as a necessary compromise.
"Ideally we would have liked to have him out along with our current five players. Because, you know, playing defense is much easier with six players than five. But when we were forced to make a decision, the choice was obvious. Our current post players have many advantages over an immobile hay golem, obviously, such as the power of locomotion and ... well, many other qualities I'm sure. But the overwhelming advantage of our straw figure is that he stays put in front of the basket. That and his monstrous size give him the edge over our other options."
It's the last weekend of January, which means it's time for an annual BHGP tradition: The Royal Rumble liveblog. Festivities began at 7:00 on pay-per-view, but Iowa basketball had to go and play for more than two hours, so we're starting a bit late. For the uninitiated, the Royal Rumble is a full-on PPV extravaganza that culminates in the Royal Rumble match, an over-the-top-rope battle royal which starts with two participants and adds another participant every couple of minutes until everyone is in the ring. Traditionally, there were 30 men in the Rumble. Last year, it jumped to 40. It was supposed to return to 30 this year, but WWE has been blatant in their announcement that "every Superstar is eligible" so the actual number of participants is unclear and could include actual sitting champions.
A couple of things:
1. This is the first step on the "Road to Wrestlemania" so they're going to have the hypnotic sign in the rafters as always. There will be a lot of staring and pointing by winners tonight. Be forewarned.
2. CM Punk is facing Dolph Ziggler, which might make the internet implode.
3. Chris Jericho is back, he's wearing a light-up jacket, he's definitely in the Royal Rumble match, and he's promising tonight will be the end of the world as we know it. I don't know about you, but that makes me feel fine.
4. No kidding on this one: No illegal streams in the comment section. We know they're out there, but you can't share them here. Publishing an illegal stream is an automatic banhammer. Also, all other normal open thread rules apply.
There are a lot of questions to answer: Who will win the Triple Threat Match for the Heavyweight Championship? Who's going to take the Rumble? Which commenter is going to throw a hissy fit about how we cover professional wrestling more than college wrestling and cancel their account? Tune in and find out!
Showing 1 - 8 of 104 Older
