Black Heart Gold Pants

First off, I'd like to thank you for showing up on short notice like this. I know a lot of you have been waiting for this announcement which I think is just weird. It's only a defensive coordinator, it's not like I'm picking the next president of the United States.

Before I announce our new coordinator. I have a few personnel updates. Tackle Riley Reiff has decided to go pro and we wish him the best at the next level. Running backs Mika'il McCall and Marcus Coker will not be with the program next year. And we are in the process of replacing defensive coordinator Norm Parker. We wish them all well in their future endeavors.

Ummm coach. We've known about all of these comings and going for like the last month. In fact, I believe the reason we're here is because of that last announcement.

Jeez, that long? Well, you know I've been on the recruiting trail and American Idol has started back up, so it's been a busy month.

Anyway, I knew what I had in mind when I started to look for a new defensive coordinator. I wanted a Midwest guy, I wanted a no-nonsense guy and I wanted somebody that had a similar philosophy to me and this gentleman scored off the charts in all three.

Please let me introduce the Iowa Hawkeye's new defensive coordinator from Detroit.... ROBOCOORDINATOR.

I believe he has written a prepared statement.

(in monotone) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right...

Can you tell why I like this guy? He's not going to give you guys in the media any leeway.

...cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been said to you?

Room sits silent

Do you understand these right as they have been said to you?

YES!

I'll now open the floor for questions for either myself or RoboCoordinator

Yes, I have a question. What is going on here?

I know this is a little strange. Usually, I don't embrace technology, but then I sat down for an interview and was blown away. Emotionless, direct, logical, monotone, he has all the tools to work for me. Don't tell Ken, but I might find one of these for offense too.

Yes, Robo...Coordinator. What are your philosophies for defense.

Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law. And 4-3 defense.

Yes, Hi I'm with the Des Moines Register with a question for Coach Ferentz. This robot is nice, but is this really going to help you beat the juggernaut Iowa State Cyclones and please begin your answer with "Well, Iowa State is certainly a good football team, but..."

Ummmm OK. "Well, Iowa State is certainly a good football team, b-

Thank you, that's all.

Robo, excuse me, Robo. Any special message for all the players watching at home?

Stay out of trouble.

I know there were a lot of people that assumed that Phil Parker was going to just step right in and take over. Have you talked to Phil since you made your decision.

We talked to Phil yesterday. He was obviously upset, but I think RoboCoordinator was able to get through to h-

Phil Parker has been terminated.

Media scribbles in notebook

Uhhhh. RoboCoordinator kind of has a way with words. Parker has not been terminated, please do not write that down.

RoboCoordinator, what was your last job in Detroit?

I was a correctional officer at a prison. Our football team went 10-0 last year.

Impressive

No high school team could beat us.

Media members scribble in notebook again

RoboCoordinator. Your most experienced member of the defense is Micah Hyde, what do you want to see from him as far as leadership?

Checking database. Checking database. Does not compute, does not compute. Micah Hyde does not exist and will not be part of our defense.

Multiple hands shoot in the air

Kirk, do you have that much trust in your new hire that you are willing to bench your best players?

Kirk, does terminated mean that Phil Parker has been fired or is dead?

Were you aware that RoboCoordinator's last position involved prisoners beating on teenagers?

Kirk, how great do you think that Cyclone passing game is going to be this year?

That's going to be all the questions for today. RoboCoordinator, do you have any last words?

RoboCoordinator shoots one of the video cameras, causing it to explode.

Your move, creeps.

All of the media personnel exits... quickly.

I think that went well.

I'm sorry Mr. Ferentz, but this is not going to work, I'm a cop, not a coach. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere there is a crime happening.

What? Hey, where are you going?

Someone needs saving.

Sigh. Oh well, there's always plan B.