Black Heart Gold Pants

Inside the Jacobsen Athletic Building, in the Iowa Football Offices...

Good morning, Coach Ferentz.

Um, so why's Ken here? What does he know about defense?

He insisted on tagging along. The Wiggles was a rerun today.

Whatever. Let's just get these interviews over with. Who's up first?

Phil --

Collins?

/exasperated sigh

No, not Phil Collins.

SU-SU-SUSSUDIO

Shut up, Ken.

No, Phil Parker's up first.

/sighs

Do we have to interview him? I mean, he's been on staff since day one, Kirk. He's like a warm, fuzzy blanket. Mmm... fuzzy.

Yeah, okay. Secretary? Tell Phil to go take Miller into the film room and send in the next candidate

HOW'S IT HANGING, SLAPNUTS

Uh, hello.

SO I'M HERE TO INTERVIEW FOR THE DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR GIG

You seem familiar...

... SERIOUSLY? I WAS THE HEAD COACH AT ARIZONA. WE PLAYED YOU GUYS IN '09 AND '10.

Oh, right. How's that working out for you?

... WHAT?

/raises eyebrow

/chews gum

I GOT FIRED HALFWAY THROUGH THIS SEASON WHEN WE STARTED OUT 1-5. WE PLAYED FOUR STRAIGHT TEAMS IN THE CURRENT TOP TEN.

Oh. That's a tough break.

UH...

But that's football for you.

...

FUCK YOU, I'M OUT. I'M GONNA GO COACH WITH BOB.

/shrugs

Secretary, send in the next candidate.

Hey, Kirk.

Hey, Dave, how's it going? Missed you at the Pitt game this year.

/has a sad

Yeah, well, it didn't work out so well for me there. They fired me last year.

Right, right. Tough break.

/still sad

/strokes mustache for comfort

So what have you been up to?

Coaching linebackers for the Bills.

How's that been going?

Oh, okay. Kinda think I'd like to get back into college coaching, though.

Mm-hmm.

Heard you got an opening at defensive coordinator.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, I was just thinking... I was in the NFL, you were in the NFL. I need a new job, you have an opening... Well...

Tell me one thing, Dave.

Anything, Kirk.

What's the secret behind your mustache? How did you grow such a majestic, lustrous lip tickler?

/gets a pained expression

Kirk... you know I can't tell you that. The Brotherhood would hunt me down like a rabid dog if I spilled our secrets.

The Brotherhood?

The HFMG! The Holy Fraternity of Mustachioed Gentlemen! We're sworn to secrecy. I can't speak about my mustache to anyone who's not at least a ninth-level cleric.

/shrugs

If they found out I told you, they'd send their top agents after me! The Brusher, The Clipper, and (shudders) The Scissors.

/snickers

The Scissors?

Don't laugh! I was there when he came for Brewster. He used to have quite a mustache, but then he got some loose lips. Since that day the Scissors came to visit him, he's never been able to grow a mustache again.

/snorts

Well, those are the terms. The secrets of your mustache or no job.

I-- I can't.

I guess that's that then, Dave. Enjoy Buffalo.

/has a sad

/walks out

Next!

WIN FIGHT TRY

Oh hell.

DEFEND STOP TACKLE

Tim, have you ever even coached defense in your life?

NO NEGATIVE NOPE

So what makes you think you're even qualified to be a defensive coordinator?

EAGLES CASTILLO HOPE

Andy Reid and I may not be able to clock manage our way out of a paper bag, but even I'm not that dumb.

/sighs

/exits

Next!

Howdy!

Um, you look familiar.

Yeah, I'm looking for my brother Ron, you seen him?

Ron... Zook?

The one and only! My name's Bobert Zook and I miss him terribly. I've been real worried about him ever since Illinois let him go last month, too.

A sad, sad day.

/shakes head mournfully

So have you seen him?

Uh, no... although I am looking for a new defensive coordinator. Say, do you happen to know much about running a 4-3 defense that uses primarily quarters coverage?

No, sir, can't say as I do. Ol' Ronnie got all the football knowledge in the Zook family.

Hmm. How about recruiting? You have any of Ron's old recruiting hook-ups?

Nope! I was never much into coaching, like Ronnie. I was a free spirit, just driftin' from town to town, playin' my git-fiddle for a cup a' joe and a hot sandwich.

/blank stare

Yep, just me, my git-fiddle Bessie, and the open road. That's all I ever needed. Well, I best get back to lookin' for Ronnie. Thanks for your time, mister!

Uh... yeah.

/leaves

Well, that was weird.

I'm glad he's gone. He smelled like dirty underwear!

Shut up, Ken.

Next!

Why hello there, my name is Bim Brewster and I'm interested in the defensive coordinator position on your football team.

Really, Tim?

Tim? My name is Bim. You must be confusing me with some other rougishly handsome, stunningly qualified young coach. Haha! It's okay, it happens all the time.

No, you're Tim Brewster. You were just here a minute ago. Except now you're wearing a really stupid disguises. Also, you're neither handsome nor qualified.

Those are hurtful accusations.

No, they're statements of fact.

Handsomeness is a matter of opinion!

My mama always said it was the God's honest truth that I was the most handsomest boy in school.

/rolls eyes

Thanks, Ken. Want a coloring book?

Yay, colors!

I think you need to leave, Tim.

As I said, sir, my name is Bim, and I have a tremendous record of defensive accomplishments, staring with GO FIGHT TRY -- nuts.

Seriously, Tim, this is getting really embarrassing now. It's time to go.

RETURN AGAIN RESURRECT

/walks out

Next!

Hey, Kirk.

Mark Farley?

Yessir.

You want to be defensive coordinator here?

Yessir.

But you're already a head coach. I thought you had a pretty good thing going up at UNI.

Yeah, it's pretty good. Been thinking I'd like to get back into the big time, though.

Uh huh.

Let's talk scheme, coach. You still want to run a 4-3 defense?

Yep.

Lots of cover-two?

Pretty much.

Bend but don't break?

You got it.

Great! You got a playbook I could borrow? You know, just to familiarize myself with the schemes?

Uh, I didn't even hire you yet.

Sure, sure. I just want to make sure we're on the same page, that I'm reading your signals right.

Don't we play UNI this year?

Do you? Why, I can't remember.

...

Next!

Be seein' you in September, coach! Ha ha!

/struts out

The nerve of that guy...

Next!

Hi.

Uh, hi. And who are you?

I'm Scottie Johnson. I heard you need a defense coach.

Um.

/pulls out lined notebook paper, clears throat

There are many factors that go into being a defensive coordinator. Defense is what you do when you don't have the ball and the other team has the ball.

/nods energetically

The defense tries to stop the offense from scoring points. Sometimes the defense even scores points themselves. That happens if they get a turnover.

I hate those!

A turnover is when the defense takes the ball away from the offense. If the offense player drops the ball, you can pick it up. That's called a fumble. The defense player can also catch the ball when the offense quarterback throws it. That's called a interception.

Those are the worst!

Shut up, Ken.

Sometimes the defense doesn't get a turnover, though. Sometimes the defense makes the other team kick the ball. That's called a punt. My daddy says you punt too much, Coach Ferentz.

/giggles

Does he now?

Yep. Then he makes me get him another beer.

Uh, how old are you?

I'm in sixth grade.

Uh huh. I think you might be a little young for this position, son. But, uh, thank you for your interest. Would you like a signed football?

Sure!

/signs football

Here you go. Next!

Um, there's no one else left, Coach Ferentz.

...crap.

/chews gum

/checks notepad

Oh hell, just tell Phil the job is his already.

- fin -